How Come It's Always One More Thing?

HI Everyone,
I think that many of you know that this blog has turned into a blog about my journey with breast cancer. I'm also highlighting things on a Care Pages site ... mostly for family to keep track. This is where I can, however, write more deeply... and NO I'm not afraid to be open about it all. Even if I say one thing that can help another person, then my life's purpose is in action.

My life's purpose is clearly ... to inspire others. It's been that way my whole life. I have set myself aside as someone who publically shares how my life goes and by doing so, others see it as an example of what to do or what not to do... for themselves. It's not unusual, then, that I would write a book about my life (even though I'm not a celebrity) and that I would speak my message around the country.

It's been 11 days since my last entry here. I'm picking up as of today ... well, actually as of news from the last 4 days.

Tuesday was my surgery day. It went very well. By the end of the day, I was back in my own apartment.... with one very sore boob. The boob had two inch and a half incisions ... one to remove the tumor and one where they took out a few lymph nodes to test. Even though I'm already pretty nicely endowed in the breast area.... this baby was swollen even larger. I'd walk around cradling it ... like it was heavy and needed to be supported. Of course, the support bra (very ugly) was there too...

The surgery was fabulous -- they took out the nasty tumor AND the lymph nodes were tested at the time and found to be cancer-free. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.

It's been hard to sleep. I have to sleep on my back .. because turning to either side is impossible. And, my two fat cats (yes they are enormous) sense that I "need" them, so they are pressed against me or trying to lay on my belly or chest or waking me up at night to see that I'm okay. (Maybe I should check into a hotel with a very extraordinary bed and millions of pillows?! But hotel prices in NY are ridiculous...so forget that.)

Anyhow, the healing has been progressing. My sister and a friend went to the hospital with me on surgery day. My sister was here with me for 3 days but had to leave yesterday for a planned trip for a bit. I'm so grateful she was here ... I couldn't have done it without her.

I've slowly been going outside -- brief walks, a movie, dinner out last night with a friend. Then, back to the apartment to rest.

Last night, after dinner out, I returned to my apartment only to find a voicemail from my doctor. She said the lab results were back. The good news is that the lymph nodes were still showing no cancer. Yahoo. Then she said ... but the tumor was much larger than we thought. Instead of 1.8 centimeters, it is 3.2 AND then she said... "I want to go back in there and scoop out a few more cells that bordered against the mass. We need to set you back up for surgery asap. Call me on the weekend." Well, I lost it. I tried to be brave, but I lost it.

First, I'm still so sore, so it's hard to imagine re-cutting into that incision. Second, it's full surgery all over again ... Third, my sister is gone and I will have to find someone locally (a friend) to come with me and maybe spend a night with me. (more about that later.) Fourth, I've got a plan in place to go to Austin mid-October. I want to see my son, my friends and meet with a client ... BEFORE I start chemo. But, I remember the doctor telling me that I can't fly for a couple of weeks following surgery .. so the trip might have to be postponed AND I'm not sure how that will fit with a chemo schedule.

I know... I'm getting ahead of myself here. But, that's what I do. I worry and I project out. It's my nature.

So, after a rough night's sleep, here's where I am this morning.
1. I have to return to surgery and it's proactive ... to prevent spread. So, that's a good thing.
2. I will be asking friends for help .... you see, I've always been the giver and being in the position to ask for help and then .. RECEIVE it ... well, that's interesting terrain. Perhaps the purpose of this whole adventure .. metaphysically speaking .. to learn to ask and receive. (Couldn't it have been less dramatic?)
3. I'll talk to the doctor and make whatever arrangements need be to move forward.
4. I'm in inquiry with myself about the following: How come I felt compelled to move to NY at age 60, start over, write a book about it ... have this awesome adventure.. and NOW have to deal with cancer? It doesn't seem fair .. unless, of course, it was always part of the mix and I didn't know it. Austin, TX was home for a long time. But, after 3 1/2 years, NY feels like home. Austin has loved ones ... NY has become a place of loved ones ... but they're still new. How much can I depend on the kindness of others to help? Am I supposed to stay here (which I want to do, but it's hard being alone)? Or, am I supposed to go back to Austin?
5. And, the other inquiry ... as a professional speaker .. how in the world will I be making a living over the next few months? I can't travel, don't know how I'll react to chemo, etc. This is the biggest issue of all. Did all this exciting adventure happen .. only to project me into social security and living in poverty? What's it all about, Alfie?


So, this, my friends is where I'm at. At the very least, I'll pull all this together into another book. However, the last one isn't selling ... so unless an agent is interested and then gets a publisher .... the book won't be an income stream. It will, however, inspire others... which I love. But, so far, I haven't figured out how to eat on inspiration.

I welcome your thoughts. I need your support.
I'm humbly yours,
Ann

Trying to Feel "Normal"

HI Everyone,
I've had an interesting couple of days .. thought it was time to catch you more up to date.
On Sunday, I walked in the Susan Komen Race for the Cure. Just diagnosed, no surgery or chemo yet ... and I walked as part of the troupe. It was weird. I sort of wondered what I was doing there. I've walked it in the past (in Austin) .. but just to be supportive.. not ever thinking I would walk it for myself. It was inspiring, and it made me sad. I saw so many families, unified and together. The women wore signs saying "10 yrs, 2 months Cancer Free" (example) I wanted my son there marching with me.

So, I called him later and we talked and I vowed that he and I will walk together next year .. either in Austin or in NYC ... and my banner will say _____ months Cancer Free. I cried a bit.

Then, yesterdy, Monday, I flew to Des Moines, Iowa to speak to a conference today. I felt totally "normal" .. just flying someplace for a "gig." It's what I do. I speak .. and I usually get on a plane and fly someplace to do that. I had no anxiety, I wasn't thinking about cancer... I was just going to say some things in front of an audience and hoping they would find a piece that might inspire them.

And, this morning, I woke up early and excited to do that. I rocked! They loved me. And, then, I got back on a plane and flew home to NYC. It was sort of bittersweet ... the last paid speaking engagement I have this year. And, with the surgery and then chemo ... I don't know when I'll do this again.

While on the flight returning to NY, I felt a little bit of anxiety ... realizing what I'm coming back to... and I breathed through it.

I think I want more of these "normal" moments for the next 6 days. After surgery, I'm thinking I won't feel normal for a bit.... and especially once the chemo starts, I definitely won't feel normal. I'm yearning for normal and regular. I kind of want my life back. .. and I guess that's NORMAL.

So, for the next 5 days, I'm working like I always do ... networking, mini (free) presentations. I'm gonna play on the weekend and pretend that all is well.
Then, on Tuesday morning, I'll show up and let them do their surgery thing on me ... and a new phase of my life ... the next "iteration" of my ReInvention will be in motion.

The good news is: I'm not crying every day anymore. I seem more reconciled and accepting of where I am.
The bad news is: I'm loving my hair ... and it's been looking particularly good lately ... so much harder to think about losing it. Oh well... a small price to pay ... considering the alternative.

That's my ramblings for now.
Keep tuned.
Thanks... and happy rest of week to you all.
Ann

Dealing with the Uncertainty

Hi Everyone,
So, now there are 12 days til my surgery. Until then, I'm in total uncertainty... well, not total .. I mean, I do know I'm having surgery... but beyond that, and including that, I know nothing.

I went to a Breast Cancer support group today at a major hospital in NYC. The woman who runs the center is wonderful. She's devoted 20 years of her life to be with those experiencing this disease. She knows more than probably many of the doctors... she can even tell you that if you take X protocol of chemotherapy, you will lose your hair on the 17th day..Wow!

So, I attended the support group. There were three other women there who are in different stages of their cancer... from an infection after the mastectomy to a second dose of cancer and chemo to in the middle. I was the "newbie." As I listened to all the complications, difficulties, etc... it scared me to death. I am NOT in denial, but I guess I don't want to know everything. I don't want to think about ... well, when they open me up and look around there could be more cancer that didn't show up in the tests... so they could sew me up and then in a month do a breast whack on me. I also don't want to keep hearing that I'll probably lose my hair (my precious, distinct hair) .. but don't worry, it's temporary and will come back. And, I certainly don't want to hear about all the side-effects of chemo. I'll find out soon enough on my own.

Years ago, as a therapist, I ran grief support groups, ran a local hospice, trained hospice volunteers. I know a lot about cancer and about the stages of acceptance, etc. But, man, it sure is different when it's YOU.

They told me today that this time of waiting is the WORST ... because all you can do is anticipate.

Everyone says, "be postive" ... "you can beat this" ... "you'll be fine." Well, yes, that's all probably true... But there is still the fact that there is much we don't know and I still have to have the surgery and the treatment.

I'm a realist ... and an idealist. But, in cases like this ... I accept reality. That doesn't mean I like it. I sure do FIGHT it and resist it.. I'm great at that. To me, pretending like all is well is ridiculous. I ask and pray for the best .. AND, I know what's possible.

So, with 12 days to go, I still wait.
I'm waiting to hear about the cervical test I had ... to make sure there's nothing going on down there.
I'm waiting to get my surgery pre-op tests, my schedule for surgery.
I'm waiting to make sure they get it all out.
I'm waiting to make appts with oncologists.
I'm waiting for my new meds (anti-depression/anxiety) to click in so I''m not so scared
I'm waiting to know how much, what kind of and how long chemo will last
I'm waiting to know if my hair will fall out ... OR if the oncologist will let me take supplements to help ward that off.

I'm especially waiting for my life to settle back down, get back to normal .. and for HOW to Make Money when I can't set speaking dates.

Yup .. uncertainty, not knowing. That's the ticket of the moment.
And, I'm angry.... so be it.
Oh.. I DO KNOW how I'll spend my holidays this year ... getting chemo. Period.
I'll be able to write a great "show and tell" story of how I spent my holidays.
Oh, another good thing ... much easier to deal with a wig in the Winter .. we need to keep our heads warm anyhow.

Thanks for checking in.
Ann

Anxiety, Depression and Cancer -- and How to Handle It

Hello Everyone,
It's been five days since my last post here. Sorry. I originally thought I would write daily, but that hasn't proven to be the case.

As I speak with people in this demographic, I learn how many of them have already had bouts with challenging illnesses and those that have great anxiety about getting a major illness as they age. It seems universal.

The past few days have been mostly anxiety filled for me. I had to have a gynecological test done for irregular cells on my last PAP smear. It was definitely not high on my list of fun things to do. I was nervous, shaking in anticipation. I nearly fainted... not because of the test itself, but because of the anxiety of "could there be yet another cancer growing in my body?" I won't know for about a week what the results of the biopsy will show. I hate waiting... AND, yet, if it's not good news, I really don't want to know.

I've always thought that knowledge is power .. you know, once you know what you're facing, you can then move forward; but not knowing is misery. Well, I'm not sure that works for me in this moment. I'm sort of not wanting to know what's next AND, at the same time, I know that if I do know .. that gives me power to make choices and take actions. It's a double-edged sword. I've always had a part of me that wanted to keep my head in the sand and not look up (well, at least about myself and those that I hold close.)

So, the gynecological probe is still pending. Here's the rest of the story.
I know I have surgery set on the 22nd of September. I know they'll remove a lump from my breast and a few lymph nodes (to check) and they'll scoop out wide margins to leave me clean. They'll sew me up, send me to recovery, and send me home. I'll be uncomfortable for a few days.

I know I'll travel to Texas to make a visit to my son and friends about 3 weeks later. This will provide psychological "normalcy" for me.

Hopefully, before the trip to Austin, I'll meet with an oncologist and know what the recommendations are for chemotherapy ... like, when we start, what the protocol will be, how I can expect to feel, how long it will go, etc. That will give me peace of mind. Right now, with none of this info at my fingertips .. well, my mind just runs on with possibilities .. and you know what, they're never very positive ones. My fear and anxiety run rampant.

So, what's a woman to do with fear and anxiety, short of having the portion of my brain that thinks that way removed (as in lobotomy)?

Here are a few suggestions I've come up with OR that have been suggested to me by friends and professionals.
1. Negativity is a habit .. it can be replaced with another habit. So, when I have a negative thought, I can transform it into another, more useful, workable phrase, like: "So What." or "Lighten Up"
2. Create a list of What You Have to Live For ... and post it where you can see it.
3. Create a list of positive things you can say to yourself... I call it my "mantras" .. for example: My body is sick, but I am FINE. OR I produce miracles for myself and others. And, I love this one (I read it in an article): When life looks like it's falling apart, it may just be falling in place.
4. Think (and this is hard) of all the good things about having cancer and treatment. Examples: I won't have to pay for haircuts or color jobs .. I'll save money, I won't have to go to work some days, People will wait on me hand and foot and bring me food and great gifts. Most importantly ... the process will help me discover "who I really am." And, I'll be able to use that information to help others.
5. Don't forget to laugh and be playful and have fun.. wherever possible. This one is hard. I must admit that in the last 2 1/2 weeks I've definitely cried more than I've laughed, but I am to turn that around. So request of those around you that they help you with this one ... ask them to go to funny movies with you, to laugh with you, etc.

We're facing a long weekend. I'm amazed at how many of my friends are reaching out to schedule fun activities with me. I'll temper that with getting rest, meditating, walking and doing some writing.

You know, even when you're sick ... life goes on!
Enjoy!
Ann

Beauty and the Beast ... and the Beast Seems to be Winning

Good Sunday morning,
Wow, what a roller coaster ride I'm on. For those of you who might be reading this the first time, I'm recently diagnosed with an illness and facing a few months of challenge. Then, of course, I'll be done with it.... at least that's what I'm counting on.

The reality ... I'm not so scared of the illness and the treatment. What I'm scared of is how it will impact my life. I'm self-employed. I don't get sick leave or pay or leave of absence or anything like that. I don't have a pension in case I wanted to "retire." In my life, if I don't work, I don't make money. Period, End of story.
What I mainly do in my life is I Speak professionally. I can't book myself out for the next few months because I'm not sure how the treatments will effect me, I can't fly as frequently because of the impact on my immune system. So, now is the challenge of creating more "non-travel" work and figuring out how to do some other things. I know that I'm creative... and eventually, I'll figure it out OR not. It's the "or not" that has me in the moment.... followed by the "what if."

So, the beauty in me is trying to help everyone else feel good about how I'm doing, taking care of them, continuing to work easily and helpfully with my current coaching clients. The beast in me is sooooo angry and frightened.. and as a result, snapping unnecessarily at others or hiding in my apartment with the demons in my head who are "what iffing me to death"... and then if someone calls, I'm a beast.

I know enough about psychology and the stages of acceptance of an illness. Heck, I teach it, ran a hospice at one point. But, somehow I am critical of myself when it comes to going through the stages of anger, bargaining and depression.

Here's another thing. I'm so blessed. There are literally hundreds of people, all over the world, who are expressing concern and support. I'm really lucky. My family is very tiny .... I'm single and the reaching out by friends is amazing. However, I still think I have to "do this alone."

Everyone is saying, "I'm here for you... let me know what I can do for you." Well, how the heck do I answer that? What can they do? They can call, hang out, check on me. They can listen and empathize. But, the things I really need ... well, there's really no one to count on.

What I really need: a source of money, someone to coach me and help me do alternative business development (without wanting hundreds and thousands of dollars), massages and other alternative healthcare (which I currently can't pay for). Once my treatment starts, there are concrete things ... people can listen, support, hold my hand, go to appointments with me, bring me food or cook me a delicious meal (yum ... but in NYC that's not likely ... we all eat out.)

So, the warm fuzzy part of me seems to have disappeared a bit and the beastly, angry, raging, scared part of me seems to be very apparent. Warning: Stay away for now UNLESS you're good at separating yourself from my comments ... not taking it personal .. and loving me anyhow.

What I'm learning though are some helpful things:
1. It's great to be able to just say what I want to say and not censor.... even be angry. For many (way too many) years I suppressed that side. NOT ANYMORE.
2.I see that I need to put myself first and do whatever I can and must do to get myself taken care of. Not easy. I've been a social worker all my life -- always taking care of others. I've donated tons of time and money and a place to stay for those in need. I've even put myself LAST (imagine that). Well NOT ANYMORE. I've learned that I have to stop capitulating to others.
3. Just hanging out alone, in the privacy of my apartment can be a good, and helpful thing. I used to feel lonely if I had too much alone time. Now, I want a good balance of that.

What I WISH I was learning:
1. How to "let go" / surrender
2. How to trust the universe more and believe I will be taken care of. Some people call this "faith."
3. How to stop being a drama queen
4. How to change my thought patterns.

So, if anyone can help with the above four ... and you're willing to donate some time to help me... that would be awesome.

So, these are my thoughts on a cloudy Sunday morning in NYC where it can't decide if it's still Summer or if it's Fall (way too early).
Thanks for reading.

Wherever you are in the world... hope your Sunday is glorious.

Ann

The Face of Anger is Upon Us

Hello Everyone,
While I'll continue to blog, I first have to get something out on the table. It's been suggested to me that my blogging in such a public way (as in on Facebook, Twitter) might be a tad inappropriate ... 1) that some people don't want to hear about the ongoing saga of an illness, 2) that it might negatively impact my attraction of future clients, and 3) that it might mean I've "lost it" and am actually ignoring my need to take care of myself by thinking I need to care about everyone else.
So, please chime in and comment about that.

People who know me well, know this is how I operate. I'm open, honest, authentic and I always lead with my desire to be helpful to others ... to inspire them. But, this time, maybe this is more therapy for me than helpful to others. Not being in total 100% control of my mind these days, let me know what you think.

I'll keep on blogging and you can keep on coming here... but, depending on the feedback, I might STOP listing the blogs on public social media sites.

That being said, I will share a bit of my last couple of days with you.

When dealing with a serious illness, and especially in the early phases of not having too much information, it's easy to get into "what if" mode -- to spiral down the slippery slope of all the possibilities of what it is, how bad it is, the impact, etc.
Well, guilty as charged. In the space of "not knowing" .. that's my tendency. And, being somewwhat analytical, it's easy for me to think of everything ... from the simple to the absolute worst-possible scenario. I spent a lot of time climbing up and down that slope.

Yesterday turned out to be a fiasco... and I can laugh about some of it now.
It was MRI day. Now, first of all, I'm a bit claustrophobic. I temper it .. manage to be okay on airplanes, in elevators... but never like to sit inside (in the middle) of a row in a movie or play if I can help it ... want the aisle where I can get up and out if need be.

So, when they told me I had to be into the closed MRI tube, as opposed to the open one, I was not a happy camper. I immediately got drugs ... the legal kind, to curb the anxiety. They helped.

There were a bunch of disorganized gaffes when I first showed up, but then I went to the lower inner sanctum where the monstrous machine is. First, they had to put an intravenous tube in my arm (which they never told me beforehand.) She tried one arm, couldn't get a good vein (no I havent' ruined my veins by drug abuse over the years ... they're just tiny.) So, then she poked the other arm. Yea! It worked.

In the "room" .. it was freezing. They lied me face-down, with my boobs hanging down and my face in a sort of like catcher's mitt contraption and then put my arms above my head. Talk about awkward. At least they covered my shivering body with a blanket. The greatest news was .. being face down, I couldn't see the tight quarters I was about to slide into. My arms could feel the closeness as we went in, but that was it. And, they slid me in feet first, so my head was at the outside edge. I just kept my eyes closed. They pumped music into earphones, but the clanking (sounded like construction on the streets of NY) sounds far out-noised (is that a word?) the music. I kept myself calm by counting the sounds. It worked. The test was supposed to be 40 minutes. But, about half way through, the machine "froze" .. sort of like when our computer does that. They told me to stay still, not move, or we'd have to start over. They pulled me out in to the light for a bit... but I couldn't move. They rebooted and eventually we finished. But, I was in that God-awful contraption in one position for over an hour and a half. The DRUGS .. MUST have been working. Thanks .. to whichever pharmaceutical company that makes it!!! When they finished, I was so stiff .. they literally had to pull me out .. as in extract me from the position.

Why is it that stuff like that happens to me? Forget the cancer ... I just wanna know why a machine that HARDLY EVER stops, froze up for me? What's that about? Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get out of there.

But, now, we'll have all the results .. of that and everything else and go off to the surgeon's office tomorrow. That's when we'll know the beast or the blessing we're dealing with and I'll be able to get out of the land of "not knowing." I'll keep you posted.

Here's an important awareness I got later yesterday ...There are people in your life that can't handle what's going on with you. Well, that's not the awareness .. I knew that. I did get, however, that you have to be entirely open and explain to them how much you need them to listen and NOT try to censor you. For example. I am a pragmatist and I see all options. I see that anything is possible here -- from a simple procedure to a much more complicated one. People are telling me I should NOT be thinking the worst, but only affirm the best option. I, on the other hand, have to talk it all through and eventually I will get calmer and hope for the best. It's my way of processing. I wasn't clear about that and got into a heated and unpleasant conversation with people who love me .. and eventually I got angry. Now, I do know that anger is part of the process... but I was over the top. If I had just explained to them that all I needed was the safety of being able to express all of it and have them just listen ... it could have worked. So, as in coaching ... when I ask permission to coach someone ... I "should" have also asked my loved ones .. "Can I just vent and have you listen?" I learned a great lesson and now am mending the fence and apologizing for how aggressive I got.

Point: Always speak clearly about what you need before you start spewing it all out. Take care of yourself by being able to rant but make sure you protect those listening as well.

So, that's it for today.
Please, please, please .... let me know what you think about me being public Or any other comments.
Your support and comments are so helpful right now.
Hugs, and have a great day,
ann

OMG ... I Feel So Purposeful Today

HI Everyone.
Day Four since being diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Today has been an excellent day... NO breakdowns. Yesterday I was a blubbering baby, crying much of the day, feeling sorry for myself, scared. Today, I'm feeling my normal, usual self and even optimistic about all I'll be going through. Of course, that could change in 5 minutes ... being female, dramatic, etc. But, I'm enjoying it.
Truthfully, a thought breaks through every few minutes and I remember that much of my life might be changing and yes, I get that anxious, fearful feeling .. and then I just let it go again.

The reason is ... I feel purposeful and I feel loved and supported.
By going public here and on Facebook, I'm hearing from all sorts of people ... ones who know me and even those that do not. I'm being offered healing sessions, connections to other breast cancer survivors (which I'm already calling myself) ... and of course, I'm being offered a lot of love.

The next reason I'm feeling purposeful is this ... this blog. I get to chronicle my experience so others can resonate with it and know that maybe it makes a difference for them. As a lifelong social work therapist (even tho I no longer practice) .. everything I do carries with it the desire to help others.

And, the last reason I feel purposeful is that all of this resonates as my next logical step in my own reinvention. In fact, there's already a potential third book in the series -- working title: It Wasn't Supposed to Be Like This: Being "forced" to ReInvent When It's Unexpected.

For those of you who have followed me for some time ... I reinvented 3 1/2 years ago when, at age 60, I sold everything and moved from TX to NYC .. for a new adventure. I wrote about it. Now, I teach ReInvention workshops based on a 7 1/2 Step Process .. and am completing that How To book. I've always wondered what my next iteration would be ... and now I see.

I'm going to use my great sense of humor, my social work smarts, my genuiness openness and feelings to navigate US (as in you and me) through a tough process.

Today I rearranged my entire office. I live in a nice sized one bedroom apartment in NYC. I work out of my apartment. My office is half of my living room. I just cleaned out bags full of stuff I no longer need, rearranged the furniture in a more Feng Shui energetic way ... and now I'm waiting for my phone to begin to ring with much more work ... calling me to my purpose. In metaphysical language... I've created a vacuum of space for more to come in.

So now you see why I'm so energized today; although I must admit, that now at nearly 10:30 p.m. .. I'm starting to get very tired.

I expect to be writing much of the weekend, doing more cleaning out, and having some fun with friends.
I hope you'll have a fabulous weekend too.

I may or may not blog over the weekend... depending on what's happening.
Hugs to you,
ann