Nearly Two Weeks of Shaping up

Well,
It's Sunday ... two days before the 2 week mark of my bootcamp workouts.
How am I doing? Not well. First, I haven't gained control of my eating yet. I'm still eating poorly ... well, not as badly as before, but still too much and still not all healthy.
Second, I'm walking a lot in between the workout... but probably not enough.
I'm walking around my apartment avoiding the mirror, feeling flabby and concerned that I'll never lose it. I'm wondering if I'll ever be thin again and all that goes along with that ... like, will I be attractive to men, will I ever feel confident about my body again? And, of course, will I be healthy?

I wonder if I'm becoming my Mother, who was heavy and never exercised or my older brother who died earlier this year ... very heavy and in bad shape. I don't want to copy this pattern.

I wonder what it will take for me to make this happen. Help???
I also wonder if my knee/leg hurting is related to the heavier body work I'm doing. That would be entirely unfair ... like, I finally start getting more physical and then I can't? Definitely not fair.

I think, well, if I was really in a relationship with a man... THEN I would be motivated to be thin. I know that's hogwash AND I also know that if a man is ONLY attracted to me for what I look like, I'd be insulted .. that would be small-minded. But, am I lying to myself? Sure, I definitely want to look good for a man.

I don't want to wait for a diagnosis of something that would then "demand" that I lose weight. I want to be proactive ... so again .. if anyone can help me with this, please......

Actually, I see this is a pattern in my life... it goes like this: Why is it that I don't do what I know I should do to get the results I want? It's a sabotage thing. Well, there you have it .. I'm not perfect.

I'd love your comments.
And, remember, I never, ever, ever give up ... so keep tuned.
Have a great week.
ann

Check out Joshua at www.mindovermatternyc.com