Beauty and the Beast ... and the Beast Seems to be Winning

Good Sunday morning,
Wow, what a roller coaster ride I'm on. For those of you who might be reading this the first time, I'm recently diagnosed with an illness and facing a few months of challenge. Then, of course, I'll be done with it.... at least that's what I'm counting on.

The reality ... I'm not so scared of the illness and the treatment. What I'm scared of is how it will impact my life. I'm self-employed. I don't get sick leave or pay or leave of absence or anything like that. I don't have a pension in case I wanted to "retire." In my life, if I don't work, I don't make money. Period, End of story.
What I mainly do in my life is I Speak professionally. I can't book myself out for the next few months because I'm not sure how the treatments will effect me, I can't fly as frequently because of the impact on my immune system. So, now is the challenge of creating more "non-travel" work and figuring out how to do some other things. I know that I'm creative... and eventually, I'll figure it out OR not. It's the "or not" that has me in the moment.... followed by the "what if."

So, the beauty in me is trying to help everyone else feel good about how I'm doing, taking care of them, continuing to work easily and helpfully with my current coaching clients. The beast in me is sooooo angry and frightened.. and as a result, snapping unnecessarily at others or hiding in my apartment with the demons in my head who are "what iffing me to death"... and then if someone calls, I'm a beast.

I know enough about psychology and the stages of acceptance of an illness. Heck, I teach it, ran a hospice at one point. But, somehow I am critical of myself when it comes to going through the stages of anger, bargaining and depression.

Here's another thing. I'm so blessed. There are literally hundreds of people, all over the world, who are expressing concern and support. I'm really lucky. My family is very tiny .... I'm single and the reaching out by friends is amazing. However, I still think I have to "do this alone."

Everyone is saying, "I'm here for you... let me know what I can do for you." Well, how the heck do I answer that? What can they do? They can call, hang out, check on me. They can listen and empathize. But, the things I really need ... well, there's really no one to count on.

What I really need: a source of money, someone to coach me and help me do alternative business development (without wanting hundreds and thousands of dollars), massages and other alternative healthcare (which I currently can't pay for). Once my treatment starts, there are concrete things ... people can listen, support, hold my hand, go to appointments with me, bring me food or cook me a delicious meal (yum ... but in NYC that's not likely ... we all eat out.)

So, the warm fuzzy part of me seems to have disappeared a bit and the beastly, angry, raging, scared part of me seems to be very apparent. Warning: Stay away for now UNLESS you're good at separating yourself from my comments ... not taking it personal .. and loving me anyhow.

What I'm learning though are some helpful things:
1. It's great to be able to just say what I want to say and not censor.... even be angry. For many (way too many) years I suppressed that side. NOT ANYMORE.
2.I see that I need to put myself first and do whatever I can and must do to get myself taken care of. Not easy. I've been a social worker all my life -- always taking care of others. I've donated tons of time and money and a place to stay for those in need. I've even put myself LAST (imagine that). Well NOT ANYMORE. I've learned that I have to stop capitulating to others.
3. Just hanging out alone, in the privacy of my apartment can be a good, and helpful thing. I used to feel lonely if I had too much alone time. Now, I want a good balance of that.

What I WISH I was learning:
1. How to "let go" / surrender
2. How to trust the universe more and believe I will be taken care of. Some people call this "faith."
3. How to stop being a drama queen
4. How to change my thought patterns.

So, if anyone can help with the above four ... and you're willing to donate some time to help me... that would be awesome.

So, these are my thoughts on a cloudy Sunday morning in NYC where it can't decide if it's still Summer or if it's Fall (way too early).
Thanks for reading.

Wherever you are in the world... hope your Sunday is glorious.

Ann