OMG ... I'm in the Land of the Unknown... and I'm a Control Freak!
Greetings Everyone,
This is actually day 3 since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I logged in here the first night and then yesterday morning and now here we are ... Day 3, but actually only 48 hours later.
Yesterday was a flurry of phone calls and visits .. trying to set up the MRI appointment and find a surgeon and see what insurance does or does not cover.Both phones were ringing off the hook as people called back, friends and family members checked in. I had no time to "be with" this new issue in my life. I was tired and spent at the end of the day and went to bed..... only ......to
Wake up this morning in full-blown panic. I had a migraine, nausea, shakes... all full symptoms of anxiety for me. It was 4:30 a.m and still dark. I got a heated pad for my head, popped some tylenol and laid in bed... without sleeping, until around 7:30. It never got better, I cried. Much of the morning was like that. I was feeling the toxins in my body and they were making me sick physically and emotionally. I suppose I could call it a "delayed reaction." Knowing me, that's normal.
For the rest of today, there were many more phone calls and check ins and even more arrangements to be made. Suffice it to say that now, finally, I'm set with an MRI appointment next Tuesday morning and then a visit to the surgeon next Thursday. Then, I'll breathe a sigh of relief because I will KNOW what's going on and what needs to be done.
Living in the land of the unknown is my most uncomfortable place. So, here I am, in the limbo, the place between .. the place of not knowing .. and for me, "drama queen and control freak" .. that's not a good place to be. I always say, "just tell me ...I can handle the truth." It's the not knowing that I can't handle.
So, now you have it. Here's a summary.
I'm scared about the impact of cancer on my life .. .in all ways... physically, mentally, work-wise, relationships. Two days I ago I was Ann.. the normal Ann, knowing all there is to know about Ann. Today, I'm Ann, with cancer... knowing nothing. It's like a time warp and the world is standing still and I'm still, going the opposite way. If I were an employee, I could take sick leave and know that my salary would still be there... but as a self-employed "older" woman ... I'm clueless about how to go through all this and make it financially.
There are specific steps to take and things to be done: Setting the appointments, getting authorization, having surgery, finding an oncologist and determining the treatment protocol that's best. The first two are done ... I've got the appointments and I've got the authorization for the MRI. The rest is yet to come ....la, la, la, la.
So, I leave you this Thursday afternoon. I'm eager to hear from you, read your comments. I need and want love, laughs, support.. and attention.
Have a great evening. See you tomorrow.
ann
This is actually day 3 since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I logged in here the first night and then yesterday morning and now here we are ... Day 3, but actually only 48 hours later.
Yesterday was a flurry of phone calls and visits .. trying to set up the MRI appointment and find a surgeon and see what insurance does or does not cover.Both phones were ringing off the hook as people called back, friends and family members checked in. I had no time to "be with" this new issue in my life. I was tired and spent at the end of the day and went to bed..... only ......to
Wake up this morning in full-blown panic. I had a migraine, nausea, shakes... all full symptoms of anxiety for me. It was 4:30 a.m and still dark. I got a heated pad for my head, popped some tylenol and laid in bed... without sleeping, until around 7:30. It never got better, I cried. Much of the morning was like that. I was feeling the toxins in my body and they were making me sick physically and emotionally. I suppose I could call it a "delayed reaction." Knowing me, that's normal.
For the rest of today, there were many more phone calls and check ins and even more arrangements to be made. Suffice it to say that now, finally, I'm set with an MRI appointment next Tuesday morning and then a visit to the surgeon next Thursday. Then, I'll breathe a sigh of relief because I will KNOW what's going on and what needs to be done.
Living in the land of the unknown is my most uncomfortable place. So, here I am, in the limbo, the place between .. the place of not knowing .. and for me, "drama queen and control freak" .. that's not a good place to be. I always say, "just tell me ...I can handle the truth." It's the not knowing that I can't handle.
So, now you have it. Here's a summary.
I'm scared about the impact of cancer on my life .. .in all ways... physically, mentally, work-wise, relationships. Two days I ago I was Ann.. the normal Ann, knowing all there is to know about Ann. Today, I'm Ann, with cancer... knowing nothing. It's like a time warp and the world is standing still and I'm still, going the opposite way. If I were an employee, I could take sick leave and know that my salary would still be there... but as a self-employed "older" woman ... I'm clueless about how to go through all this and make it financially.
There are specific steps to take and things to be done: Setting the appointments, getting authorization, having surgery, finding an oncologist and determining the treatment protocol that's best. The first two are done ... I've got the appointments and I've got the authorization for the MRI. The rest is yet to come ....la, la, la, la.
So, I leave you this Thursday afternoon. I'm eager to hear from you, read your comments. I need and want love, laughs, support.. and attention.
Have a great evening. See you tomorrow.
ann
Labels: babby boomers and illness, I have breast cancer, not having control
posted by Ann Fry, Head Boomer at
4:56 PM
1 Comments:
Ann, you are strong, you're smart, you're funny, you're loved, and you will get through this.
Twelve years ago I was told I had cervical cancer. My panic, denial, tears, friends, and medical team helped me heal and realize that cancer is not a death sentence; it is an opportunity to love yourself and life more deeply.
In the midst of a shocking event, it's not always easy to live that idea, but definitely worth the effort.
I'm sending good juju and one of my favorite prayers:
May you be filled with lovingkindness,
May you be peaceful and at ease,
May you be well and wealthy,
May you be safe and happy.
M
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