Dealing with the Uncertainty

Hi Everyone,
So, now there are 12 days til my surgery. Until then, I'm in total uncertainty... well, not total .. I mean, I do know I'm having surgery... but beyond that, and including that, I know nothing.

I went to a Breast Cancer support group today at a major hospital in NYC. The woman who runs the center is wonderful. She's devoted 20 years of her life to be with those experiencing this disease. She knows more than probably many of the doctors... she can even tell you that if you take X protocol of chemotherapy, you will lose your hair on the 17th day..Wow!

So, I attended the support group. There were three other women there who are in different stages of their cancer... from an infection after the mastectomy to a second dose of cancer and chemo to in the middle. I was the "newbie." As I listened to all the complications, difficulties, etc... it scared me to death. I am NOT in denial, but I guess I don't want to know everything. I don't want to think about ... well, when they open me up and look around there could be more cancer that didn't show up in the tests... so they could sew me up and then in a month do a breast whack on me. I also don't want to keep hearing that I'll probably lose my hair (my precious, distinct hair) .. but don't worry, it's temporary and will come back. And, I certainly don't want to hear about all the side-effects of chemo. I'll find out soon enough on my own.

Years ago, as a therapist, I ran grief support groups, ran a local hospice, trained hospice volunteers. I know a lot about cancer and about the stages of acceptance, etc. But, man, it sure is different when it's YOU.

They told me today that this time of waiting is the WORST ... because all you can do is anticipate.

Everyone says, "be postive" ... "you can beat this" ... "you'll be fine." Well, yes, that's all probably true... But there is still the fact that there is much we don't know and I still have to have the surgery and the treatment.

I'm a realist ... and an idealist. But, in cases like this ... I accept reality. That doesn't mean I like it. I sure do FIGHT it and resist it.. I'm great at that. To me, pretending like all is well is ridiculous. I ask and pray for the best .. AND, I know what's possible.

So, with 12 days to go, I still wait.
I'm waiting to hear about the cervical test I had ... to make sure there's nothing going on down there.
I'm waiting to get my surgery pre-op tests, my schedule for surgery.
I'm waiting to make sure they get it all out.
I'm waiting to make appts with oncologists.
I'm waiting for my new meds (anti-depression/anxiety) to click in so I''m not so scared
I'm waiting to know how much, what kind of and how long chemo will last
I'm waiting to know if my hair will fall out ... OR if the oncologist will let me take supplements to help ward that off.

I'm especially waiting for my life to settle back down, get back to normal .. and for HOW to Make Money when I can't set speaking dates.

Yup .. uncertainty, not knowing. That's the ticket of the moment.
And, I'm angry.... so be it.
Oh.. I DO KNOW how I'll spend my holidays this year ... getting chemo. Period.
I'll be able to write a great "show and tell" story of how I spent my holidays.
Oh, another good thing ... much easier to deal with a wig in the Winter .. we need to keep our heads warm anyhow.

Thanks for checking in.
Ann