Beauty and the Beast ... and the Beast Seems to be Winning

Good Sunday morning,
Wow, what a roller coaster ride I'm on. For those of you who might be reading this the first time, I'm recently diagnosed with an illness and facing a few months of challenge. Then, of course, I'll be done with it.... at least that's what I'm counting on.

The reality ... I'm not so scared of the illness and the treatment. What I'm scared of is how it will impact my life. I'm self-employed. I don't get sick leave or pay or leave of absence or anything like that. I don't have a pension in case I wanted to "retire." In my life, if I don't work, I don't make money. Period, End of story.
What I mainly do in my life is I Speak professionally. I can't book myself out for the next few months because I'm not sure how the treatments will effect me, I can't fly as frequently because of the impact on my immune system. So, now is the challenge of creating more "non-travel" work and figuring out how to do some other things. I know that I'm creative... and eventually, I'll figure it out OR not. It's the "or not" that has me in the moment.... followed by the "what if."

So, the beauty in me is trying to help everyone else feel good about how I'm doing, taking care of them, continuing to work easily and helpfully with my current coaching clients. The beast in me is sooooo angry and frightened.. and as a result, snapping unnecessarily at others or hiding in my apartment with the demons in my head who are "what iffing me to death"... and then if someone calls, I'm a beast.

I know enough about psychology and the stages of acceptance of an illness. Heck, I teach it, ran a hospice at one point. But, somehow I am critical of myself when it comes to going through the stages of anger, bargaining and depression.

Here's another thing. I'm so blessed. There are literally hundreds of people, all over the world, who are expressing concern and support. I'm really lucky. My family is very tiny .... I'm single and the reaching out by friends is amazing. However, I still think I have to "do this alone."

Everyone is saying, "I'm here for you... let me know what I can do for you." Well, how the heck do I answer that? What can they do? They can call, hang out, check on me. They can listen and empathize. But, the things I really need ... well, there's really no one to count on.

What I really need: a source of money, someone to coach me and help me do alternative business development (without wanting hundreds and thousands of dollars), massages and other alternative healthcare (which I currently can't pay for). Once my treatment starts, there are concrete things ... people can listen, support, hold my hand, go to appointments with me, bring me food or cook me a delicious meal (yum ... but in NYC that's not likely ... we all eat out.)

So, the warm fuzzy part of me seems to have disappeared a bit and the beastly, angry, raging, scared part of me seems to be very apparent. Warning: Stay away for now UNLESS you're good at separating yourself from my comments ... not taking it personal .. and loving me anyhow.

What I'm learning though are some helpful things:
1. It's great to be able to just say what I want to say and not censor.... even be angry. For many (way too many) years I suppressed that side. NOT ANYMORE.
2.I see that I need to put myself first and do whatever I can and must do to get myself taken care of. Not easy. I've been a social worker all my life -- always taking care of others. I've donated tons of time and money and a place to stay for those in need. I've even put myself LAST (imagine that). Well NOT ANYMORE. I've learned that I have to stop capitulating to others.
3. Just hanging out alone, in the privacy of my apartment can be a good, and helpful thing. I used to feel lonely if I had too much alone time. Now, I want a good balance of that.

What I WISH I was learning:
1. How to "let go" / surrender
2. How to trust the universe more and believe I will be taken care of. Some people call this "faith."
3. How to stop being a drama queen
4. How to change my thought patterns.

So, if anyone can help with the above four ... and you're willing to donate some time to help me... that would be awesome.

So, these are my thoughts on a cloudy Sunday morning in NYC where it can't decide if it's still Summer or if it's Fall (way too early).
Thanks for reading.

Wherever you are in the world... hope your Sunday is glorious.

Ann

The Face of Anger is Upon Us

Hello Everyone,
While I'll continue to blog, I first have to get something out on the table. It's been suggested to me that my blogging in such a public way (as in on Facebook, Twitter) might be a tad inappropriate ... 1) that some people don't want to hear about the ongoing saga of an illness, 2) that it might negatively impact my attraction of future clients, and 3) that it might mean I've "lost it" and am actually ignoring my need to take care of myself by thinking I need to care about everyone else.
So, please chime in and comment about that.

People who know me well, know this is how I operate. I'm open, honest, authentic and I always lead with my desire to be helpful to others ... to inspire them. But, this time, maybe this is more therapy for me than helpful to others. Not being in total 100% control of my mind these days, let me know what you think.

I'll keep on blogging and you can keep on coming here... but, depending on the feedback, I might STOP listing the blogs on public social media sites.

That being said, I will share a bit of my last couple of days with you.

When dealing with a serious illness, and especially in the early phases of not having too much information, it's easy to get into "what if" mode -- to spiral down the slippery slope of all the possibilities of what it is, how bad it is, the impact, etc.
Well, guilty as charged. In the space of "not knowing" .. that's my tendency. And, being somewwhat analytical, it's easy for me to think of everything ... from the simple to the absolute worst-possible scenario. I spent a lot of time climbing up and down that slope.

Yesterday turned out to be a fiasco... and I can laugh about some of it now.
It was MRI day. Now, first of all, I'm a bit claustrophobic. I temper it .. manage to be okay on airplanes, in elevators... but never like to sit inside (in the middle) of a row in a movie or play if I can help it ... want the aisle where I can get up and out if need be.

So, when they told me I had to be into the closed MRI tube, as opposed to the open one, I was not a happy camper. I immediately got drugs ... the legal kind, to curb the anxiety. They helped.

There were a bunch of disorganized gaffes when I first showed up, but then I went to the lower inner sanctum where the monstrous machine is. First, they had to put an intravenous tube in my arm (which they never told me beforehand.) She tried one arm, couldn't get a good vein (no I havent' ruined my veins by drug abuse over the years ... they're just tiny.) So, then she poked the other arm. Yea! It worked.

In the "room" .. it was freezing. They lied me face-down, with my boobs hanging down and my face in a sort of like catcher's mitt contraption and then put my arms above my head. Talk about awkward. At least they covered my shivering body with a blanket. The greatest news was .. being face down, I couldn't see the tight quarters I was about to slide into. My arms could feel the closeness as we went in, but that was it. And, they slid me in feet first, so my head was at the outside edge. I just kept my eyes closed. They pumped music into earphones, but the clanking (sounded like construction on the streets of NY) sounds far out-noised (is that a word?) the music. I kept myself calm by counting the sounds. It worked. The test was supposed to be 40 minutes. But, about half way through, the machine "froze" .. sort of like when our computer does that. They told me to stay still, not move, or we'd have to start over. They pulled me out in to the light for a bit... but I couldn't move. They rebooted and eventually we finished. But, I was in that God-awful contraption in one position for over an hour and a half. The DRUGS .. MUST have been working. Thanks .. to whichever pharmaceutical company that makes it!!! When they finished, I was so stiff .. they literally had to pull me out .. as in extract me from the position.

Why is it that stuff like that happens to me? Forget the cancer ... I just wanna know why a machine that HARDLY EVER stops, froze up for me? What's that about? Needless to say, I couldn't wait to get out of there.

But, now, we'll have all the results .. of that and everything else and go off to the surgeon's office tomorrow. That's when we'll know the beast or the blessing we're dealing with and I'll be able to get out of the land of "not knowing." I'll keep you posted.

Here's an important awareness I got later yesterday ...There are people in your life that can't handle what's going on with you. Well, that's not the awareness .. I knew that. I did get, however, that you have to be entirely open and explain to them how much you need them to listen and NOT try to censor you. For example. I am a pragmatist and I see all options. I see that anything is possible here -- from a simple procedure to a much more complicated one. People are telling me I should NOT be thinking the worst, but only affirm the best option. I, on the other hand, have to talk it all through and eventually I will get calmer and hope for the best. It's my way of processing. I wasn't clear about that and got into a heated and unpleasant conversation with people who love me .. and eventually I got angry. Now, I do know that anger is part of the process... but I was over the top. If I had just explained to them that all I needed was the safety of being able to express all of it and have them just listen ... it could have worked. So, as in coaching ... when I ask permission to coach someone ... I "should" have also asked my loved ones .. "Can I just vent and have you listen?" I learned a great lesson and now am mending the fence and apologizing for how aggressive I got.

Point: Always speak clearly about what you need before you start spewing it all out. Take care of yourself by being able to rant but make sure you protect those listening as well.

So, that's it for today.
Please, please, please .... let me know what you think about me being public Or any other comments.
Your support and comments are so helpful right now.
Hugs, and have a great day,
ann

OMG ... I Feel So Purposeful Today

HI Everyone.
Day Four since being diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Today has been an excellent day... NO breakdowns. Yesterday I was a blubbering baby, crying much of the day, feeling sorry for myself, scared. Today, I'm feeling my normal, usual self and even optimistic about all I'll be going through. Of course, that could change in 5 minutes ... being female, dramatic, etc. But, I'm enjoying it.
Truthfully, a thought breaks through every few minutes and I remember that much of my life might be changing and yes, I get that anxious, fearful feeling .. and then I just let it go again.

The reason is ... I feel purposeful and I feel loved and supported.
By going public here and on Facebook, I'm hearing from all sorts of people ... ones who know me and even those that do not. I'm being offered healing sessions, connections to other breast cancer survivors (which I'm already calling myself) ... and of course, I'm being offered a lot of love.

The next reason I'm feeling purposeful is this ... this blog. I get to chronicle my experience so others can resonate with it and know that maybe it makes a difference for them. As a lifelong social work therapist (even tho I no longer practice) .. everything I do carries with it the desire to help others.

And, the last reason I feel purposeful is that all of this resonates as my next logical step in my own reinvention. In fact, there's already a potential third book in the series -- working title: It Wasn't Supposed to Be Like This: Being "forced" to ReInvent When It's Unexpected.

For those of you who have followed me for some time ... I reinvented 3 1/2 years ago when, at age 60, I sold everything and moved from TX to NYC .. for a new adventure. I wrote about it. Now, I teach ReInvention workshops based on a 7 1/2 Step Process .. and am completing that How To book. I've always wondered what my next iteration would be ... and now I see.

I'm going to use my great sense of humor, my social work smarts, my genuiness openness and feelings to navigate US (as in you and me) through a tough process.

Today I rearranged my entire office. I live in a nice sized one bedroom apartment in NYC. I work out of my apartment. My office is half of my living room. I just cleaned out bags full of stuff I no longer need, rearranged the furniture in a more Feng Shui energetic way ... and now I'm waiting for my phone to begin to ring with much more work ... calling me to my purpose. In metaphysical language... I've created a vacuum of space for more to come in.

So now you see why I'm so energized today; although I must admit, that now at nearly 10:30 p.m. .. I'm starting to get very tired.

I expect to be writing much of the weekend, doing more cleaning out, and having some fun with friends.
I hope you'll have a fabulous weekend too.

I may or may not blog over the weekend... depending on what's happening.
Hugs to you,
ann

OMG ... I'm in the Land of the Unknown... and I'm a Control Freak!

Greetings Everyone,
This is actually day 3 since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I logged in here the first night and then yesterday morning and now here we are ... Day 3, but actually only 48 hours later.

Yesterday was a flurry of phone calls and visits .. trying to set up the MRI appointment and find a surgeon and see what insurance does or does not cover.Both phones were ringing off the hook as people called back, friends and family members checked in. I had no time to "be with" this new issue in my life. I was tired and spent at the end of the day and went to bed..... only ......to

Wake up this morning in full-blown panic. I had a migraine, nausea, shakes... all full symptoms of anxiety for me. It was 4:30 a.m and still dark. I got a heated pad for my head, popped some tylenol and laid in bed... without sleeping, until around 7:30. It never got better, I cried. Much of the morning was like that. I was feeling the toxins in my body and they were making me sick physically and emotionally. I suppose I could call it a "delayed reaction." Knowing me, that's normal.

For the rest of today, there were many more phone calls and check ins and even more arrangements to be made. Suffice it to say that now, finally, I'm set with an MRI appointment next Tuesday morning and then a visit to the surgeon next Thursday. Then, I'll breathe a sigh of relief because I will KNOW what's going on and what needs to be done.

Living in the land of the unknown is my most uncomfortable place. So, here I am, in the limbo, the place between .. the place of not knowing .. and for me, "drama queen and control freak" .. that's not a good place to be. I always say, "just tell me ...I can handle the truth." It's the not knowing that I can't handle.

So, now you have it. Here's a summary.
I'm scared about the impact of cancer on my life .. .in all ways... physically, mentally, work-wise, relationships. Two days I ago I was Ann.. the normal Ann, knowing all there is to know about Ann. Today, I'm Ann, with cancer... knowing nothing. It's like a time warp and the world is standing still and I'm still, going the opposite way. If I were an employee, I could take sick leave and know that my salary would still be there... but as a self-employed "older" woman ... I'm clueless about how to go through all this and make it financially.

There are specific steps to take and things to be done: Setting the appointments, getting authorization, having surgery, finding an oncologist and determining the treatment protocol that's best. The first two are done ... I've got the appointments and I've got the authorization for the MRI. The rest is yet to come ....la, la, la, la.

So, I leave you this Thursday afternoon. I'm eager to hear from you, read your comments. I need and want love, laughs, support.. and attention.

Have a great evening. See you tomorrow.
ann

The Reality Hits .. and a New Purpose Arises

Good morning everyone.
I have always been a woman of principle and purpose. I've spent my entire life in service to others. It's in my bones and DNA. For God sake, I'm a social worker by profession ... caring for the downtrodden, the emotionally ailing, etc. Years ago I was president of the board for the local hospice, have donated lots of time to others, etc.

I call myself an "empath." Empaths are highly sensitive. This is the term commonly used in describing one's abilities (sensitivity) to another's emotions and feelings. Empaths have a deep sense of knowing that accompanies empathy and are often compassionate, considerate, and understanding of others.It's a positive trait and a burden .. because empaths tap into the pain in the world. I often suppress it just to keep my head above water.

The least amount of empathy I have is for myself .... well, now that has to change.

AT 4:00 yesterday afternoon... just 15 1/2 hours ago, my doctor told me I have breast cancer. I "took it like a man." You see, as a social worker... I always do great in the moment... handle a crisis with ease ... but then fall apart later.
I had the usual thoughts ... how could I? No one in my family has had this. OMG, how will I take care of myself? and then immediately sprung to okay...what do I have to do?

I held it together .. didn't cry. I called my sister and then I called my son -- my only child... the love of my life (he's 31) That was hard.. telling him.

I spent last evening with a wonderful gentleman caller (who I allowed to not be gentlemanly) and it was perfect. A strong, gallant man to hold me, let me know I was still whole and complete. I slept well.

At 7:00 this morning, I bolted out of bed, said my morning little mantra..."I"m a soul, I'm a child of God, I'm a stand for Peace and Positivity in the world." And then, my mind screamed .... "I have breast cancer." I burst into body-shaking crying... for a moment. (My coaching clients know that I only allow them a few minutes of whining at the beginning of a session .. and then we get down to business. So, how could I whine for more than that?)

Between walking from my bedroom into my bathroom to brush my teeth... I realized now that I have a new purpose in life ... ME... and BREAST CANCER. OMG, maybe this is my "next" reinvention. It certainly can be a hook for people to not just glance at their life .. but to straight-on demand that their life be what they wish.. because, as we know, we NEVER know what's next.

So, here's my new STAND (like, position, like cause) in life ....
I'm going to blog about this as much as possible ... in addition to all my other work.

People have always known me as courageous .. well, this is just the next corner to get around. I'll still SPEAK, COACH and WRITE... AND, I'll take on MY cancer.

I recently saw the movie Julie & Julia. Julie starts a one-year blog to cover her commitment to cook every one of Julia Child's recipes in a one-year period... and to write about it in her blog everyday.

I'm gonna do that. The HEAD BOOMER is taking on Cancer ... for herself and for you.
It totally fits into my commitment in life ... That all people are involved in the process of ReInventing themselves ... for happiness and fulfillment.


I had a session with a psychic about a year ago. I was in the process of writing my book of my own reinvention memoir... Sixty, Sexy, Sassy and Free. The psychic said...I see a series of 3 books. I couldn't imagine. Well, book #2 is nearly done ... it's the process of reinvention and it's called: When You Want Things to be Different .... 7 1/2 Steps to Transcend the Status Quo

Perhaps this blog will turn into book 3 ... as I represent the boomer population dealing with change or illness or whatever ... and STILL having amazing, productive, fulfilled lives.

So, stay tuned.
I can't promise I'll write everyday ... there might be days I'm in surgery, or throwing up ... I have no idea ... but I'll write as I can.... this blog will be my journal ... for ME ... and a gift for you... as you go through whatever you go through.

Welcome, please keep coming back. Please write comments or emails... I'll need to hear from you.

This morning I start the phone calls, to set up my MRI, my first appt with the surgeon, etc. I'm in "get it done" mode .... And, I'll pause to cry or scream along the way... whenever the mood hits me.

I love you,
ann

You Never Know Where Life Takes You

Warning everyone ..
This one might be a little serious or intense. I suppose I'm using your wonderful supportive hearts and ears for therapy at the moment. I'll not give all the details, but I'll paint you a picture.

You know that I always write about ReInvention ... I'm devoted to it, adamant about it, insistent at the very least. I believe we are here to leave the world a better place by our presence. I've spent my life doing good in the world, helping others, being available. Sometimes I've been there more for others than for me.... to a fault.

Right now, I'm facing a difficult diagnosis... it got verified today and I'll probably be in surgery within a few days. I'm confident I'll come through with flying colors.. I have to .. I have much more work to do in the world AND, my rock star son is about to make it in the "big time." ...I still want to be the Mother of a famous rock star. Yahoo.

When I realized what was happening with me, I never went to the fear of my life winding down; instead I went to this is a nuisance, I don't have time for it, etc. Maybe that was denial ... not sure. Anyhow, my wishing and hoping didn't work. The issue is very much at hand.

Why am I telling you this? Why am I sharing it? That's easy ... my life is an open book and I'll tell you anything that will inspire you to honor your life and be who you are meant to be.

I expect to be around for a long time ... I'm not going anywhere. I might be a bit uncomfortable for a bit; I might lose some parts of myself I'm attached to (don't know that yet). But, my attitude and the compassion of those around me who love me will help to pull me through.

My question to you is this: What will I do differently in my life TODAY ... and Tomorrow, etc..... so that I'm living full tilt? Who will I love? Where will I volunteer to make the world a better place? Where do I need to surrender to a bigger cause?

Take your steps today ... don't wait for tomorrow. Wishing and hoping get you more of the same as you wait for "someday maybe."

I'm just beginning this new ReInvention process (yes, another one)... it's a new journey and I have no idea where it will take me. I'll keep you informed along the way.
This blog is now my very personal journey blog.
I'm starting a new one ... but it will be All Things ReInvention ... in a more business focused way.

Follow me .. write to me... stay with me.

Celebrate your day.

Time to be EXCITED about your life!

Hi Everyone,
Wow, it's been a month since I last posted... I can't believe it. So much has happened and I've been so busy. Glad to be back sharing with you.

I hear from so many people, especially many who are aging, that they are still "settling" for mediocrity ... still living life as others expect them to. It makes me so sad. In my own "Pollyanna" way, I just want people to be happy and fulfilled. I want you to do whatever it takes to have the life you want.... AND, I know I can't make anyone take the steps. I can cheer you on, I can get you going, ask the questions, help you see who you can BE... but you have to do the work.

Question: Who do you want to BE?

Three weeks ago, I spent 4 days alone, in retreat, writing 3/4 of my new book about HOW TO ReInvent yourself. It was bliss .. to be away from my normal environment, writing daily ...and now I'm nearly done.
FYI: The new book is called: When You Want Things to be Different: 7 1/2 Steps to Transcend the Status Quo. YOu'll be thrilled with it.

After writing for 4 days, I went off on a Spiritual, meditation retreat .. to bliss out and relax. What a fabulous week.

POINT: I can do all this because I work for myself .. doing what I love. I make my own schedule, I don't get on a train or in a car and work elsewhere from 9-5. I'm so blessed. Perhaps, you can figure out how to create that sort of freedom for yourself!


To continue. The last 2 weeks, I've been a crazy person, putting together REInvention flyers for workshops in NY, in London and building my repertoire of offerings. (Yes, I do have to earn a living ... dont' have a trust fund.)

Now, here's what I really want to write about today. I got an email from my old business coach. He raised the question .... What are you excited about? And, he made the point that life is so much richer when you have things to look forward to.
I felt motivated to send him some of the things I'm exicted about right now in my life.
Here they are:

1. My last book came out in March. It's about my reinvention ... divorce, move to NYC, etc. It's called Sixty,Sexy, Sassy and Free: A Real Woman's Story of ReInvention.
It's a memoir and juicy. Read an excerpt at www.sixtysexysassyandfree.com
2. My next book is due out in September ... it's called: When You Want Things to be Different: 7 1/2 Steps to Transcend the Status Quo ..... it's the "how to" ReInvent.
3. I'm now positioned as the ReInvention Hotshot!... love it.
4. I'm speaking in Iowa in September, in NYC the next day and then doing a REInvention workshop in London on Sept. 29th.
5. My son's band (he's the lead singer) has found an "angel investor" ... they'll be crossing over into the bigtime this year. It's a miracle I produced by doing a FREE talk in Boston 2 years ago for a charity group ... met this man, hooked him up with Gabriel and now 2 years later it's come to this.
Check them out at: www.myspace.com/distantlightsmusic --- Gabe is the hunky cute one in front with the white shirt. So, I'm excited to be the Mother of a Rock Star.
6. I have so many new opportunities everyday and I live in NY having a blast. Life is Good... and I'm always excited.

Question: What are you excited about?

I'd love to hear from you.
Have a wonderful Summer day!
Hugs,
Ann