How Come It's Always One More Thing?

HI Everyone,
I think that many of you know that this blog has turned into a blog about my journey with breast cancer. I'm also highlighting things on a Care Pages site ... mostly for family to keep track. This is where I can, however, write more deeply... and NO I'm not afraid to be open about it all. Even if I say one thing that can help another person, then my life's purpose is in action.

My life's purpose is clearly ... to inspire others. It's been that way my whole life. I have set myself aside as someone who publically shares how my life goes and by doing so, others see it as an example of what to do or what not to do... for themselves. It's not unusual, then, that I would write a book about my life (even though I'm not a celebrity) and that I would speak my message around the country.

It's been 11 days since my last entry here. I'm picking up as of today ... well, actually as of news from the last 4 days.

Tuesday was my surgery day. It went very well. By the end of the day, I was back in my own apartment.... with one very sore boob. The boob had two inch and a half incisions ... one to remove the tumor and one where they took out a few lymph nodes to test. Even though I'm already pretty nicely endowed in the breast area.... this baby was swollen even larger. I'd walk around cradling it ... like it was heavy and needed to be supported. Of course, the support bra (very ugly) was there too...

The surgery was fabulous -- they took out the nasty tumor AND the lymph nodes were tested at the time and found to be cancer-free. I couldn't have asked for a better outcome.

It's been hard to sleep. I have to sleep on my back .. because turning to either side is impossible. And, my two fat cats (yes they are enormous) sense that I "need" them, so they are pressed against me or trying to lay on my belly or chest or waking me up at night to see that I'm okay. (Maybe I should check into a hotel with a very extraordinary bed and millions of pillows?! But hotel prices in NY are ridiculous...so forget that.)

Anyhow, the healing has been progressing. My sister and a friend went to the hospital with me on surgery day. My sister was here with me for 3 days but had to leave yesterday for a planned trip for a bit. I'm so grateful she was here ... I couldn't have done it without her.

I've slowly been going outside -- brief walks, a movie, dinner out last night with a friend. Then, back to the apartment to rest.

Last night, after dinner out, I returned to my apartment only to find a voicemail from my doctor. She said the lab results were back. The good news is that the lymph nodes were still showing no cancer. Yahoo. Then she said ... but the tumor was much larger than we thought. Instead of 1.8 centimeters, it is 3.2 AND then she said... "I want to go back in there and scoop out a few more cells that bordered against the mass. We need to set you back up for surgery asap. Call me on the weekend." Well, I lost it. I tried to be brave, but I lost it.

First, I'm still so sore, so it's hard to imagine re-cutting into that incision. Second, it's full surgery all over again ... Third, my sister is gone and I will have to find someone locally (a friend) to come with me and maybe spend a night with me. (more about that later.) Fourth, I've got a plan in place to go to Austin mid-October. I want to see my son, my friends and meet with a client ... BEFORE I start chemo. But, I remember the doctor telling me that I can't fly for a couple of weeks following surgery .. so the trip might have to be postponed AND I'm not sure how that will fit with a chemo schedule.

I know... I'm getting ahead of myself here. But, that's what I do. I worry and I project out. It's my nature.

So, after a rough night's sleep, here's where I am this morning.
1. I have to return to surgery and it's proactive ... to prevent spread. So, that's a good thing.
2. I will be asking friends for help .... you see, I've always been the giver and being in the position to ask for help and then .. RECEIVE it ... well, that's interesting terrain. Perhaps the purpose of this whole adventure .. metaphysically speaking .. to learn to ask and receive. (Couldn't it have been less dramatic?)
3. I'll talk to the doctor and make whatever arrangements need be to move forward.
4. I'm in inquiry with myself about the following: How come I felt compelled to move to NY at age 60, start over, write a book about it ... have this awesome adventure.. and NOW have to deal with cancer? It doesn't seem fair .. unless, of course, it was always part of the mix and I didn't know it. Austin, TX was home for a long time. But, after 3 1/2 years, NY feels like home. Austin has loved ones ... NY has become a place of loved ones ... but they're still new. How much can I depend on the kindness of others to help? Am I supposed to stay here (which I want to do, but it's hard being alone)? Or, am I supposed to go back to Austin?
5. And, the other inquiry ... as a professional speaker .. how in the world will I be making a living over the next few months? I can't travel, don't know how I'll react to chemo, etc. This is the biggest issue of all. Did all this exciting adventure happen .. only to project me into social security and living in poverty? What's it all about, Alfie?


So, this, my friends is where I'm at. At the very least, I'll pull all this together into another book. However, the last one isn't selling ... so unless an agent is interested and then gets a publisher .... the book won't be an income stream. It will, however, inspire others... which I love. But, so far, I haven't figured out how to eat on inspiration.

I welcome your thoughts. I need your support.
I'm humbly yours,
Ann

Trying to Feel "Normal"

HI Everyone,
I've had an interesting couple of days .. thought it was time to catch you more up to date.
On Sunday, I walked in the Susan Komen Race for the Cure. Just diagnosed, no surgery or chemo yet ... and I walked as part of the troupe. It was weird. I sort of wondered what I was doing there. I've walked it in the past (in Austin) .. but just to be supportive.. not ever thinking I would walk it for myself. It was inspiring, and it made me sad. I saw so many families, unified and together. The women wore signs saying "10 yrs, 2 months Cancer Free" (example) I wanted my son there marching with me.

So, I called him later and we talked and I vowed that he and I will walk together next year .. either in Austin or in NYC ... and my banner will say _____ months Cancer Free. I cried a bit.

Then, yesterdy, Monday, I flew to Des Moines, Iowa to speak to a conference today. I felt totally "normal" .. just flying someplace for a "gig." It's what I do. I speak .. and I usually get on a plane and fly someplace to do that. I had no anxiety, I wasn't thinking about cancer... I was just going to say some things in front of an audience and hoping they would find a piece that might inspire them.

And, this morning, I woke up early and excited to do that. I rocked! They loved me. And, then, I got back on a plane and flew home to NYC. It was sort of bittersweet ... the last paid speaking engagement I have this year. And, with the surgery and then chemo ... I don't know when I'll do this again.

While on the flight returning to NY, I felt a little bit of anxiety ... realizing what I'm coming back to... and I breathed through it.

I think I want more of these "normal" moments for the next 6 days. After surgery, I'm thinking I won't feel normal for a bit.... and especially once the chemo starts, I definitely won't feel normal. I'm yearning for normal and regular. I kind of want my life back. .. and I guess that's NORMAL.

So, for the next 5 days, I'm working like I always do ... networking, mini (free) presentations. I'm gonna play on the weekend and pretend that all is well.
Then, on Tuesday morning, I'll show up and let them do their surgery thing on me ... and a new phase of my life ... the next "iteration" of my ReInvention will be in motion.

The good news is: I'm not crying every day anymore. I seem more reconciled and accepting of where I am.
The bad news is: I'm loving my hair ... and it's been looking particularly good lately ... so much harder to think about losing it. Oh well... a small price to pay ... considering the alternative.

That's my ramblings for now.
Keep tuned.
Thanks... and happy rest of week to you all.
Ann

Dealing with the Uncertainty

Hi Everyone,
So, now there are 12 days til my surgery. Until then, I'm in total uncertainty... well, not total .. I mean, I do know I'm having surgery... but beyond that, and including that, I know nothing.

I went to a Breast Cancer support group today at a major hospital in NYC. The woman who runs the center is wonderful. She's devoted 20 years of her life to be with those experiencing this disease. She knows more than probably many of the doctors... she can even tell you that if you take X protocol of chemotherapy, you will lose your hair on the 17th day..Wow!

So, I attended the support group. There were three other women there who are in different stages of their cancer... from an infection after the mastectomy to a second dose of cancer and chemo to in the middle. I was the "newbie." As I listened to all the complications, difficulties, etc... it scared me to death. I am NOT in denial, but I guess I don't want to know everything. I don't want to think about ... well, when they open me up and look around there could be more cancer that didn't show up in the tests... so they could sew me up and then in a month do a breast whack on me. I also don't want to keep hearing that I'll probably lose my hair (my precious, distinct hair) .. but don't worry, it's temporary and will come back. And, I certainly don't want to hear about all the side-effects of chemo. I'll find out soon enough on my own.

Years ago, as a therapist, I ran grief support groups, ran a local hospice, trained hospice volunteers. I know a lot about cancer and about the stages of acceptance, etc. But, man, it sure is different when it's YOU.

They told me today that this time of waiting is the WORST ... because all you can do is anticipate.

Everyone says, "be postive" ... "you can beat this" ... "you'll be fine." Well, yes, that's all probably true... But there is still the fact that there is much we don't know and I still have to have the surgery and the treatment.

I'm a realist ... and an idealist. But, in cases like this ... I accept reality. That doesn't mean I like it. I sure do FIGHT it and resist it.. I'm great at that. To me, pretending like all is well is ridiculous. I ask and pray for the best .. AND, I know what's possible.

So, with 12 days to go, I still wait.
I'm waiting to hear about the cervical test I had ... to make sure there's nothing going on down there.
I'm waiting to get my surgery pre-op tests, my schedule for surgery.
I'm waiting to make sure they get it all out.
I'm waiting to make appts with oncologists.
I'm waiting for my new meds (anti-depression/anxiety) to click in so I''m not so scared
I'm waiting to know how much, what kind of and how long chemo will last
I'm waiting to know if my hair will fall out ... OR if the oncologist will let me take supplements to help ward that off.

I'm especially waiting for my life to settle back down, get back to normal .. and for HOW to Make Money when I can't set speaking dates.

Yup .. uncertainty, not knowing. That's the ticket of the moment.
And, I'm angry.... so be it.
Oh.. I DO KNOW how I'll spend my holidays this year ... getting chemo. Period.
I'll be able to write a great "show and tell" story of how I spent my holidays.
Oh, another good thing ... much easier to deal with a wig in the Winter .. we need to keep our heads warm anyhow.

Thanks for checking in.
Ann

Anxiety, Depression and Cancer -- and How to Handle It

Hello Everyone,
It's been five days since my last post here. Sorry. I originally thought I would write daily, but that hasn't proven to be the case.

As I speak with people in this demographic, I learn how many of them have already had bouts with challenging illnesses and those that have great anxiety about getting a major illness as they age. It seems universal.

The past few days have been mostly anxiety filled for me. I had to have a gynecological test done for irregular cells on my last PAP smear. It was definitely not high on my list of fun things to do. I was nervous, shaking in anticipation. I nearly fainted... not because of the test itself, but because of the anxiety of "could there be yet another cancer growing in my body?" I won't know for about a week what the results of the biopsy will show. I hate waiting... AND, yet, if it's not good news, I really don't want to know.

I've always thought that knowledge is power .. you know, once you know what you're facing, you can then move forward; but not knowing is misery. Well, I'm not sure that works for me in this moment. I'm sort of not wanting to know what's next AND, at the same time, I know that if I do know .. that gives me power to make choices and take actions. It's a double-edged sword. I've always had a part of me that wanted to keep my head in the sand and not look up (well, at least about myself and those that I hold close.)

So, the gynecological probe is still pending. Here's the rest of the story.
I know I have surgery set on the 22nd of September. I know they'll remove a lump from my breast and a few lymph nodes (to check) and they'll scoop out wide margins to leave me clean. They'll sew me up, send me to recovery, and send me home. I'll be uncomfortable for a few days.

I know I'll travel to Texas to make a visit to my son and friends about 3 weeks later. This will provide psychological "normalcy" for me.

Hopefully, before the trip to Austin, I'll meet with an oncologist and know what the recommendations are for chemotherapy ... like, when we start, what the protocol will be, how I can expect to feel, how long it will go, etc. That will give me peace of mind. Right now, with none of this info at my fingertips .. well, my mind just runs on with possibilities .. and you know what, they're never very positive ones. My fear and anxiety run rampant.

So, what's a woman to do with fear and anxiety, short of having the portion of my brain that thinks that way removed (as in lobotomy)?

Here are a few suggestions I've come up with OR that have been suggested to me by friends and professionals.
1. Negativity is a habit .. it can be replaced with another habit. So, when I have a negative thought, I can transform it into another, more useful, workable phrase, like: "So What." or "Lighten Up"
2. Create a list of What You Have to Live For ... and post it where you can see it.
3. Create a list of positive things you can say to yourself... I call it my "mantras" .. for example: My body is sick, but I am FINE. OR I produce miracles for myself and others. And, I love this one (I read it in an article): When life looks like it's falling apart, it may just be falling in place.
4. Think (and this is hard) of all the good things about having cancer and treatment. Examples: I won't have to pay for haircuts or color jobs .. I'll save money, I won't have to go to work some days, People will wait on me hand and foot and bring me food and great gifts. Most importantly ... the process will help me discover "who I really am." And, I'll be able to use that information to help others.
5. Don't forget to laugh and be playful and have fun.. wherever possible. This one is hard. I must admit that in the last 2 1/2 weeks I've definitely cried more than I've laughed, but I am to turn that around. So request of those around you that they help you with this one ... ask them to go to funny movies with you, to laugh with you, etc.

We're facing a long weekend. I'm amazed at how many of my friends are reaching out to schedule fun activities with me. I'll temper that with getting rest, meditating, walking and doing some writing.

You know, even when you're sick ... life goes on!
Enjoy!
Ann