Anticipating Holidays ... with mixed emotions

Good evening (almost morning),
I remember many things from my childhood, about the holiday season. I remember celebrating Hanukkah and getting presents for 8 nights. I also remember my Mother giving us a little hint of Christmas to celebrate so that we wouldn't feel neglected or left out. For example, she set up a little Christmas scene on an end table in the living room. She got a miniature little tree (I mean, as in dollhouse miniatures), a sled and reindeer and a Santa. She set it out on a sheet of cotton. Then, she put out cookies and milk and told us Santa would stop in and leave us one gift for the morning. And it was true. Santa did leave us a gift AND the cookies were eaten.

I also remember a lot about the New Year celebration, some good and some not so good. My younger brother (by 5 years) was born on Dec. 30th and I was born on Jan. 1st. So, as children, my Mother would throw one party for us... we had to share it... on Dec. 31st. It wasn't until I became a teenager that I rebelled against this. I finally realized that I didn't want to have a party with my baby brother and his friends, co-mingled with my friends. I also realized as a "teen" that New Year's Eve was a more special event... and started having my boyfriends and thus dates.

In my marriage, Christmas became a really big deal. My husband wasn't Jewish. The very first Christmas of my married life was just like I'd always seen in the movies. The tree at my in-laws home was huge and the presents filled the whole living room. It was breath-taking. I wondered what I'd lost out on all those years. And, my in-laws were well-off financially, so the gifts were expensive. We also started having a tree in our house, especially when our son was born. And, of course, New Year's eve and my birthday were always a big-deal with my ex-husband. Even if we didn't go out, we'd celerate together at home and we'd always go out on my birthday.

Now, in my years being single (the past 7), each holiday has had some challenge to it. While I still lived in TX, my son would come to my apartment in the morning and then later to his Dad's. But, I certainly didn't have him around for much of the day. Since moving to NY, each year has had some challenge. This year, however, seems to be the one that is really difficult for me.

This year, I have no "man" in my life, many of my friends are unavailable or traveling. My son is staying in TX and I'm not flying there -- mainly due to the economy. And, speaking of the economy, I seem to have less work, so I'm not spending much. Therefore, I'm not going to Broadway plays or doing much at all.

Suffice it to say... after 62 years on this planet, I wish I could be more adaptable. I wish I wasn't concerned with what is seemingly "just another day." I wish I could be okay with just staying home or taking myself out to dinner for these special events. But, I find holidays to be the most challenging times as a divorced woman.
That being said, however, I would never want to be back in the marriage I was in.

So, this year is my opportunity to learn to be on my own, not feel sorry for myself and figure out a way to make it good and fun and meaningful. I'll search around for soup kitchens or some place to volunteer. I'll buy myself a couple of good books. I'll put out a call to friends who might be around. And, I'll learn to be a "big girl" and handle it. I'll watch sappy movies that make me cry and maybe some funny ones too. I'll take myself to some of those great end of year movies. I'll cook something new and exquisite for myself. I'll even go to the yarn store and buy some yarn and make myself a new scarf for the cold.

When you're on a path to "reInvent" yourself... there are the tough times right alongside the great stuff. It's all part of the mix.
Wish me luck AND if any of you are in the same boat, let me know. Maybe we'll plan a telephone discussion group OR if you're in NY, maybe we'll plan a gathering.
Thanks for listening.
Ann