OMG ... I Feel So Purposeful Today

HI Everyone.
Day Four since being diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

Today has been an excellent day... NO breakdowns. Yesterday I was a blubbering baby, crying much of the day, feeling sorry for myself, scared. Today, I'm feeling my normal, usual self and even optimistic about all I'll be going through. Of course, that could change in 5 minutes ... being female, dramatic, etc. But, I'm enjoying it.
Truthfully, a thought breaks through every few minutes and I remember that much of my life might be changing and yes, I get that anxious, fearful feeling .. and then I just let it go again.

The reason is ... I feel purposeful and I feel loved and supported.
By going public here and on Facebook, I'm hearing from all sorts of people ... ones who know me and even those that do not. I'm being offered healing sessions, connections to other breast cancer survivors (which I'm already calling myself) ... and of course, I'm being offered a lot of love.

The next reason I'm feeling purposeful is this ... this blog. I get to chronicle my experience so others can resonate with it and know that maybe it makes a difference for them. As a lifelong social work therapist (even tho I no longer practice) .. everything I do carries with it the desire to help others.

And, the last reason I feel purposeful is that all of this resonates as my next logical step in my own reinvention. In fact, there's already a potential third book in the series -- working title: It Wasn't Supposed to Be Like This: Being "forced" to ReInvent When It's Unexpected.

For those of you who have followed me for some time ... I reinvented 3 1/2 years ago when, at age 60, I sold everything and moved from TX to NYC .. for a new adventure. I wrote about it. Now, I teach ReInvention workshops based on a 7 1/2 Step Process .. and am completing that How To book. I've always wondered what my next iteration would be ... and now I see.

I'm going to use my great sense of humor, my social work smarts, my genuiness openness and feelings to navigate US (as in you and me) through a tough process.

Today I rearranged my entire office. I live in a nice sized one bedroom apartment in NYC. I work out of my apartment. My office is half of my living room. I just cleaned out bags full of stuff I no longer need, rearranged the furniture in a more Feng Shui energetic way ... and now I'm waiting for my phone to begin to ring with much more work ... calling me to my purpose. In metaphysical language... I've created a vacuum of space for more to come in.

So now you see why I'm so energized today; although I must admit, that now at nearly 10:30 p.m. .. I'm starting to get very tired.

I expect to be writing much of the weekend, doing more cleaning out, and having some fun with friends.
I hope you'll have a fabulous weekend too.

I may or may not blog over the weekend... depending on what's happening.
Hugs to you,
ann

OMG ... I'm in the Land of the Unknown... and I'm a Control Freak!

Greetings Everyone,
This is actually day 3 since I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I logged in here the first night and then yesterday morning and now here we are ... Day 3, but actually only 48 hours later.

Yesterday was a flurry of phone calls and visits .. trying to set up the MRI appointment and find a surgeon and see what insurance does or does not cover.Both phones were ringing off the hook as people called back, friends and family members checked in. I had no time to "be with" this new issue in my life. I was tired and spent at the end of the day and went to bed..... only ......to

Wake up this morning in full-blown panic. I had a migraine, nausea, shakes... all full symptoms of anxiety for me. It was 4:30 a.m and still dark. I got a heated pad for my head, popped some tylenol and laid in bed... without sleeping, until around 7:30. It never got better, I cried. Much of the morning was like that. I was feeling the toxins in my body and they were making me sick physically and emotionally. I suppose I could call it a "delayed reaction." Knowing me, that's normal.

For the rest of today, there were many more phone calls and check ins and even more arrangements to be made. Suffice it to say that now, finally, I'm set with an MRI appointment next Tuesday morning and then a visit to the surgeon next Thursday. Then, I'll breathe a sigh of relief because I will KNOW what's going on and what needs to be done.

Living in the land of the unknown is my most uncomfortable place. So, here I am, in the limbo, the place between .. the place of not knowing .. and for me, "drama queen and control freak" .. that's not a good place to be. I always say, "just tell me ...I can handle the truth." It's the not knowing that I can't handle.

So, now you have it. Here's a summary.
I'm scared about the impact of cancer on my life .. .in all ways... physically, mentally, work-wise, relationships. Two days I ago I was Ann.. the normal Ann, knowing all there is to know about Ann. Today, I'm Ann, with cancer... knowing nothing. It's like a time warp and the world is standing still and I'm still, going the opposite way. If I were an employee, I could take sick leave and know that my salary would still be there... but as a self-employed "older" woman ... I'm clueless about how to go through all this and make it financially.

There are specific steps to take and things to be done: Setting the appointments, getting authorization, having surgery, finding an oncologist and determining the treatment protocol that's best. The first two are done ... I've got the appointments and I've got the authorization for the MRI. The rest is yet to come ....la, la, la, la.

So, I leave you this Thursday afternoon. I'm eager to hear from you, read your comments. I need and want love, laughs, support.. and attention.

Have a great evening. See you tomorrow.
ann

The Reality Hits .. and a New Purpose Arises

Good morning everyone.
I have always been a woman of principle and purpose. I've spent my entire life in service to others. It's in my bones and DNA. For God sake, I'm a social worker by profession ... caring for the downtrodden, the emotionally ailing, etc. Years ago I was president of the board for the local hospice, have donated lots of time to others, etc.

I call myself an "empath." Empaths are highly sensitive. This is the term commonly used in describing one's abilities (sensitivity) to another's emotions and feelings. Empaths have a deep sense of knowing that accompanies empathy and are often compassionate, considerate, and understanding of others.It's a positive trait and a burden .. because empaths tap into the pain in the world. I often suppress it just to keep my head above water.

The least amount of empathy I have is for myself .... well, now that has to change.

AT 4:00 yesterday afternoon... just 15 1/2 hours ago, my doctor told me I have breast cancer. I "took it like a man." You see, as a social worker... I always do great in the moment... handle a crisis with ease ... but then fall apart later.
I had the usual thoughts ... how could I? No one in my family has had this. OMG, how will I take care of myself? and then immediately sprung to okay...what do I have to do?

I held it together .. didn't cry. I called my sister and then I called my son -- my only child... the love of my life (he's 31) That was hard.. telling him.

I spent last evening with a wonderful gentleman caller (who I allowed to not be gentlemanly) and it was perfect. A strong, gallant man to hold me, let me know I was still whole and complete. I slept well.

At 7:00 this morning, I bolted out of bed, said my morning little mantra..."I"m a soul, I'm a child of God, I'm a stand for Peace and Positivity in the world." And then, my mind screamed .... "I have breast cancer." I burst into body-shaking crying... for a moment. (My coaching clients know that I only allow them a few minutes of whining at the beginning of a session .. and then we get down to business. So, how could I whine for more than that?)

Between walking from my bedroom into my bathroom to brush my teeth... I realized now that I have a new purpose in life ... ME... and BREAST CANCER. OMG, maybe this is my "next" reinvention. It certainly can be a hook for people to not just glance at their life .. but to straight-on demand that their life be what they wish.. because, as we know, we NEVER know what's next.

So, here's my new STAND (like, position, like cause) in life ....
I'm going to blog about this as much as possible ... in addition to all my other work.

People have always known me as courageous .. well, this is just the next corner to get around. I'll still SPEAK, COACH and WRITE... AND, I'll take on MY cancer.

I recently saw the movie Julie & Julia. Julie starts a one-year blog to cover her commitment to cook every one of Julia Child's recipes in a one-year period... and to write about it in her blog everyday.

I'm gonna do that. The HEAD BOOMER is taking on Cancer ... for herself and for you.
It totally fits into my commitment in life ... That all people are involved in the process of ReInventing themselves ... for happiness and fulfillment.


I had a session with a psychic about a year ago. I was in the process of writing my book of my own reinvention memoir... Sixty, Sexy, Sassy and Free. The psychic said...I see a series of 3 books. I couldn't imagine. Well, book #2 is nearly done ... it's the process of reinvention and it's called: When You Want Things to be Different .... 7 1/2 Steps to Transcend the Status Quo

Perhaps this blog will turn into book 3 ... as I represent the boomer population dealing with change or illness or whatever ... and STILL having amazing, productive, fulfilled lives.

So, stay tuned.
I can't promise I'll write everyday ... there might be days I'm in surgery, or throwing up ... I have no idea ... but I'll write as I can.... this blog will be my journal ... for ME ... and a gift for you... as you go through whatever you go through.

Welcome, please keep coming back. Please write comments or emails... I'll need to hear from you.

This morning I start the phone calls, to set up my MRI, my first appt with the surgeon, etc. I'm in "get it done" mode .... And, I'll pause to cry or scream along the way... whenever the mood hits me.

I love you,
ann