How I Sabotage my Greatness ... and it Has to Stop!

Hi Everyone,
I had quite an epiphany tonight and wanted to share it. It might sound like I'm bragging, and that's only to make a point.

Let's start at last night and lead to tonight.

Last night I had a date with a very attractive, age-appropriate, sexy man. It was out second date and it was delightful. We seemed to really enjoy each other. We went out for a drink, and then dinner.. and then needed to walk off the calories of the great burgers we ate. So, we walked along the Hudson River and Riverside Park on the Upper Westside. It was a gorgeous night... clear, moderate. It was romantic. We held hands, talked and periodically stopped for a nice, sexy, juicy kiss. Wow! Rockets were going off for both of us. (Now, not to fear ... we're not going to get provocative here... nothing more occurred in the realm of romantic behavior.)

Anyhow, as part of that walk and talk, I found myself "apologizing" to this man about ways I don't match up to him. He works out, rides his bike, swims ... has a really fit, thin, attractive body. Me, I'm a bit of slug lately, have put on a few extra pounds. I honestly was telling him about my lack of confidence in the way I look. He, of course, politely indicated that he wasn't concerned about that. He likes my look, thinks I'm sexy, etc. And, we have another date set up, so he must obviously be telling me the truth.

I'm sure that he sees much more to me than just my physicality. I, in typical "female" behavior, only saw how I look as my way of attracting him. Funny.

Now, here the rest of the story.

Tonight, I was asked to attend a 3-hour meeting for people I volunteer with. I wasn't excited about going. I could think of other more fun ways to spend a Friday night. However, I said I would go .. I gave my word I would attend. So, of course, I went. I decided that I would be open to getting something from being there.

The leader of the meeting wanted us to know that she wanted to empower us ... not just for the ways we serve the group, but for ourselves. She began talking about all the automatic ways we behave ... like how the little voice in our head often says things that disempower us .. and furthermore, how we often listen to that voice like it's the truth. She had us listen in for a bit.

My internal voice said things like: you're chubby, you're getting old, you're not at the top of your game, you're always wanting to be right, you're so reactive, etc, etc.

Then, she suggested that we are so much more than how we think of ourselves in our head ... and added, "But, the little voice will never stop." So, knowing we can always be sabotaged to the darkside ... how can we, instead, empower ourselves to be MORE? How can we acknowledge who we really are?

(Here's where the bragging and then the "aha" moment/ the epiphany comes in.)

As I looked at myself, I acknowledged all the great things: I'm beautiful (for my age), I'm extremely smart, well-spoken and accomplished. I'm well-educated, teach university level, speak all over the country to huge audiences, have coached and consulted in high-powered corporations. I've written two books and am working on another .. not to mention (lest we forget) that at age 60, I sold everything and moved to NY for a new adventure. Wow .. sounds cool!

So ... here's the insight. I allow the little voice that sees all the negatives to rule the amazing woman that I am. I forget how much I've achieved, how many people I've helped over the years (as a therapist, as a speaker, coach, etc.) How silly of me to focus on my 20 extra pounds, my not-perfect physicality?! Every man out there should be drooling over the amazing woman that I am.

And, the final step in the class tonight was to declare a new statement of what my life is dedicated to. Here's what I came up with: I am a strong, intelligent woman who's purpose in life is to lead and inspire .. authentically .. in every moment. When I write, when I speak in front of a room .. that's what people get. That's what they can count on me for.

As you can imagine, I left the class on a "high." I inspired myself.
By remembering this .. my image of myself will change on a dime.

Whatever had me, a rather sassy and unconventional woman, buy into the "skinny, sexy" look or the belief that that's all a man wants? Why did I sell out to that? (That's probably a whole different post.)

For now, I ask you ... Who are you .. I mean, really?
Can you learn to embrace yourself, love yourself ... all aspects of yourself?
I WILL ... from now on.

Thanks ... and as always, I'd love to hear from you.
Ann

Funny How Life Is

Good Morning,
Well, I am back from traveling more .. in fact, a bunch. I'm exhausted. I've missed entering here and have lots to talk about.
I'll be back here much more often again.

My thoughts this morning are interesting. I ended my new relationship of 3 months. I thought it was going to be "it!" It wasn't. In fact, it was a challenge in an area I didn't expect. I thought I had mastered the art of being powerful and self-expressed. What I realized in the past few weeks was how much I still do what I used to do -- I gave up much of myself to be who he wanted me to be. Amazing. All this growth and progress I've made and I let it go to be with someone.

Well, not anymore. From this day forward, when I see myself shrinking back or trying to be someone for someone else ... I'm outta there. I remember when I divorced, I said to myself, "I'd rather be alone than continue to be in a relationship where I'm not appreciated or I can't be myself." Well, I don't want to be alone AND I'm not suggesting I want to dominate. I just want a mutually respectful relationship where we honor our differences and share our similarities and where we don't make each other wrong. Is that too much to ask for? I think not.

So, how many of you do what I did? I heard on GMA this morning that single women in this country are now 51% of the population. Unbelievable. Maybe we don't need relationship, but maybe we want relationship. I do. And, I'm fine on my own, and strong, and more.

Point: Love who you are, be who you are and don't let anyone else try to change you... unless you want to make some improvements and have support to do it. And, accept how funny life is in giving you incredible lessons to learn.

Have a glorious day. I'll be back soon.
Ann

Random Thoughts

I've had quite a wonderful time with my son during his visit with me in NY this week.

Gabriel is a singer in a rock band in Austin, Texas. He's amazingly talented (if I do say so myself). But, more than his talent, I admire who he is as a person.
He's about to turn 30 ( in 4 weeks). He's committed his life to his music. He works day jobs as needed ... and he lives to sing. He is also so grounded and together and positive. He has never, for even one day, thought that "he would not be successful."
Imagine if we all lived our life that way.
Point: How our life goes is pretty much up to us.

He has opinions about politics, the world. He votes. He's excited about Obama actually and thinks most people his age are.

Although I focus a great deal on the boomer generation; I must admit I sometimes overlook how incredible the Generation Xers are. They're ambitious, they're independent ( well, duh... they were raised by us.) Perhaps turning the world over to them will be just fine.
One more thing, Gabriel and his friends really respect me. In no way do they look upon me as an aging woman, but yet are inspired by my courage, my adventurousness, my zest for life. They hope to be like that when they get older.
Point: When you have a great life, you leave a wonderful legacy for your kids.


If you don't know your kids as adults and haven't become equals or friends at that level -- take a stab at it. It's awesome.
Thanks!
Ann