Nearly Two Weeks of Shaping up

Well,
It's Sunday ... two days before the 2 week mark of my bootcamp workouts.
How am I doing? Not well. First, I haven't gained control of my eating yet. I'm still eating poorly ... well, not as badly as before, but still too much and still not all healthy.
Second, I'm walking a lot in between the workout... but probably not enough.
I'm walking around my apartment avoiding the mirror, feeling flabby and concerned that I'll never lose it. I'm wondering if I'll ever be thin again and all that goes along with that ... like, will I be attractive to men, will I ever feel confident about my body again? And, of course, will I be healthy?

I wonder if I'm becoming my Mother, who was heavy and never exercised or my older brother who died earlier this year ... very heavy and in bad shape. I don't want to copy this pattern.

I wonder what it will take for me to make this happen. Help???
I also wonder if my knee/leg hurting is related to the heavier body work I'm doing. That would be entirely unfair ... like, I finally start getting more physical and then I can't? Definitely not fair.

I think, well, if I was really in a relationship with a man... THEN I would be motivated to be thin. I know that's hogwash AND I also know that if a man is ONLY attracted to me for what I look like, I'd be insulted .. that would be small-minded. But, am I lying to myself? Sure, I definitely want to look good for a man.

I don't want to wait for a diagnosis of something that would then "demand" that I lose weight. I want to be proactive ... so again .. if anyone can help me with this, please......

Actually, I see this is a pattern in my life... it goes like this: Why is it that I don't do what I know I should do to get the results I want? It's a sabotage thing. Well, there you have it .. I'm not perfect.

I'd love your comments.
And, remember, I never, ever, ever give up ... so keep tuned.
Have a great week.
ann

Check out Joshua at www.mindovermatternyc.com

Aging with Delight and Grace

Good morning,
I want you all to know that I'm determined that it's up to each one of us as to how we age. There have been many times in my life when I did things "kicking and screaming." I would deny and fight the reality. It wasn't fun, but I suppose it fit a purpose of some sort. Well, now that I/ we are aging, I thought I'd examine the "how to age" concept a bit.

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about having knee surgery. I'll spare the details; but the previous year took a toll. It started with a fall and a hematoma on my shin, then, I hurt my knee, etc. For nearly a year, there was little exercise. I gained a good 10 pounds, on top of 10 pounds too much that I already carried. I got flabby. I felt very unattractive and insecure about my body. I would try to tell myself -- hey, you look pretty good for a 61 year old. That was true -- I certainly dress well, have a good sense of presence and know how to conceal the pounds. But, I knew. I ranted about getting older and how it's not fair and how the body isn't what it used to be, etc.

What I didn't do, however, was take responsibility at that point for all that had happened to me - my fall, my injury, my weight gain, my eating habits, etc. I just made excuses and whined. I dated some, but wasn't in a long-term relationship and not having a lot (or when I was having it, it wasn't "great") sex -- so I would say, "Look, I hardly drink, I don't do drugs, I'm not having sex -- don't take my fu....ng FOOD away from me." It was my joke --- but I didn't admit it was my joke on myself.

After my knee surgery, my doctor said, "you have to lose weight". I cried and felt it was a daunting task -- even though it's about 20 - 25 pounds (as opposed to people "really" overweight.)

This morning, I read an article about Jamie Lee Curtis ( the actress). She's turning 50 and will be in AARP magazine soon. Here's a quote: "I want to be older," she tells the magazine. "I actually think there's an incredible amount of self-knowledge that comes with getting older. I feel way better now than I did when I was 20. I'm stronger, I'm smarter in every way, I'm so much less crazy than I was then."

I love what she says. She goes on to take responsibility for how she looks. I'm doing the same.
I have a new boyfriend. He's a couple of years older than me. He's thin, fit, trim, athletic, a great/ healthy eater. What an inspiration. He's attracted to me as I am AND he's open about wanting me to be healthier so I can live longer and maybe share a longer life with him. How cool is that.

For the first time, in a long time, I'm motivated about looking good BECAUSE it will mean I'm healthier. I love to look good -- always have. Like I said, I dress well, am sexy and desireable (with my clothes on) ... but, I've fooled myself too long.
I'll keep you informed of how I'm doing.
To start, I'm walking longer each day as my knee heals, I'm making much better food choices. But, most importantly, I'm not making excuses ... just taking action.

Point: We, and only we, are responsible for how we age. We can approach it with disgust OR we can be delighted about the mystery and adventure of aging and face it with delight. I choose the later.
Happy aging with Grace!

So Much for Discipline

Two nights ago, I declared in front of several other people that I would really take charge of my health and fitness. I further reiterated that I meant, I will eat healthier foods AND work out.

Well, yesterday, I worked out, with a friend. But, I made poor choices of food all day.

My ability to discipline myself is really poor.  I know I've been using food for comfort lately. It helped get me through the holidays (when I would feel lonely or sad).  And, about the working out thing, well these days, my lot in life seems to be to support the Sports Club with my money, but not use it. How very special of me.

A small digression:  I injured my knee several months ago, had physical therapy, etc. Well, it wasn't healing. I finally had an MRI and now know I have a torn Meniscus. I need to have surgery. But I can't have surgery without a "non-flying" time afterwards of at least 3 weeks. So, surgery won't happen til March. I'm free to exercise, but the doc says, "if it hurts, don't do it." I'm realizing it hurts, but keep trying.

You know what, though, I don't need to beat myself up AND I might practice more "self-love." Will I eventually get it together and lose those 20 pounds --yes!

Point:  I'm not any more perfect than anyone else -- I struggle with my own short-comings. As I tell others, I can practice loving myself as I am and being more gentle. 

Further Point:  Never, ever, ever give up on what you want. Get up, dust yourself off, and try all over again.

Happy dusting off and loving!

Have a glorious Sunday,

Ann

My crazy schedule

Good morning,

I didn't wake up until 8:30 this morning. Wow. Well, I was really tired last night.  I should explain.

I'm a night person. I frequently stay up til after midnight and sometimes I go to sleep and then can't sleep and get up and read or write. So, it catches up with me.

The point here -- I used to handle the weird sleep patterns better. Could it be that as I get "older" I need more sleep? Who knows. Since I refuse to admit getting older, I think I avoid the question.

But here's the important piece. Because I live the life I love -- I work for myself, set my own schedule... it doesn't really matter. I can sleep later in the morning. I can stay up later at night. Now don't get me wrong. I work a lot, and I love everything I do.

Point:  When you follow your dreams, live the life YOU want ... then your sleep patterns are yours to choose.

Ask yourself -- am I living life on my terms? Do I get up each day and do what I love? Is there something I need to think about changing in my world so that I can have that?

Happy Searching.

I could say TGIF -- but when you live the life you love, everyday feels like Friday, or Saturday or Sunday.

Have a great day.

Ann