Dealing with the Uncertainty

Hi Everyone,
So, now there are 12 days til my surgery. Until then, I'm in total uncertainty... well, not total .. I mean, I do know I'm having surgery... but beyond that, and including that, I know nothing.

I went to a Breast Cancer support group today at a major hospital in NYC. The woman who runs the center is wonderful. She's devoted 20 years of her life to be with those experiencing this disease. She knows more than probably many of the doctors... she can even tell you that if you take X protocol of chemotherapy, you will lose your hair on the 17th day..Wow!

So, I attended the support group. There were three other women there who are in different stages of their cancer... from an infection after the mastectomy to a second dose of cancer and chemo to in the middle. I was the "newbie." As I listened to all the complications, difficulties, etc... it scared me to death. I am NOT in denial, but I guess I don't want to know everything. I don't want to think about ... well, when they open me up and look around there could be more cancer that didn't show up in the tests... so they could sew me up and then in a month do a breast whack on me. I also don't want to keep hearing that I'll probably lose my hair (my precious, distinct hair) .. but don't worry, it's temporary and will come back. And, I certainly don't want to hear about all the side-effects of chemo. I'll find out soon enough on my own.

Years ago, as a therapist, I ran grief support groups, ran a local hospice, trained hospice volunteers. I know a lot about cancer and about the stages of acceptance, etc. But, man, it sure is different when it's YOU.

They told me today that this time of waiting is the WORST ... because all you can do is anticipate.

Everyone says, "be postive" ... "you can beat this" ... "you'll be fine." Well, yes, that's all probably true... But there is still the fact that there is much we don't know and I still have to have the surgery and the treatment.

I'm a realist ... and an idealist. But, in cases like this ... I accept reality. That doesn't mean I like it. I sure do FIGHT it and resist it.. I'm great at that. To me, pretending like all is well is ridiculous. I ask and pray for the best .. AND, I know what's possible.

So, with 12 days to go, I still wait.
I'm waiting to hear about the cervical test I had ... to make sure there's nothing going on down there.
I'm waiting to get my surgery pre-op tests, my schedule for surgery.
I'm waiting to make sure they get it all out.
I'm waiting to make appts with oncologists.
I'm waiting for my new meds (anti-depression/anxiety) to click in so I''m not so scared
I'm waiting to know how much, what kind of and how long chemo will last
I'm waiting to know if my hair will fall out ... OR if the oncologist will let me take supplements to help ward that off.

I'm especially waiting for my life to settle back down, get back to normal .. and for HOW to Make Money when I can't set speaking dates.

Yup .. uncertainty, not knowing. That's the ticket of the moment.
And, I'm angry.... so be it.
Oh.. I DO KNOW how I'll spend my holidays this year ... getting chemo. Period.
I'll be able to write a great "show and tell" story of how I spent my holidays.
Oh, another good thing ... much easier to deal with a wig in the Winter .. we need to keep our heads warm anyhow.

Thanks for checking in.
Ann

Living in the Land of Not Knowing

HI there,
Well, it's been about a week since my last entry. I've not been watching too much TV, but I did watch the debate last week.
I can't wait for the presidential election to happen, be decided and be over.
I also am anxious for all the bad news about the economy to be over. I JUST Want to have some peace from worry.

I don't know about you, but I spend my entire life these days in the place of "NOT KNOWING!" In other words, I'm always on the edge. For example ... I don't know when my telephone will ring with the offer of some new work. OR, I don't know when I might meet my next new man or friend. Or, I don't even know what the weather will be tomorrow.

Truthfully, if we're honest, none of us really knows what's next. Now some of us probably have fairly predictable lives. For example, if you have a job, you can probably predict when you'll get up in the morning, when you need to leave for work, the best way to get there. You know you'll work certain hours and then return home at a usual time, go to bed at a usual time and then repeat. Your days are structured. And, you probably know when to expect your paycheck and probably how much it will be (unless you work on commission.)

Well, my life is nothing like that. I go to bed at night and check my calendar to see what appointments I have the next day. That determines what time I get up. For example, tomorrow, Tuesday, I have a coaching call at 10:00 a.m. So, I'll sleep til I wake up and will be ready for that. I don't have to set an alarm. Beyond that, I have writing to do tomorrow, someone coming at 3:00 and then a 6:00 dinner meeting. Beyond that, my time is unstructured. Then, at night I go to bed whenever I want. Like, here I am tonight, at 12:23 a.m. writing this.

I know I have to travel in mid-November. I know I have a few coaching clients that call in during the week. I don't know when I'll have another speaking engagement scheduled or when someone new will hire me. I don't know when I'll make more money. I live with all the uncertainty that comes from being an entrepreneur ... everyday.

Now, I must admit, there's much about that ... that I love. I love being unstructured. I love the freedom of going out during the day and working late when I want to. I love the "serendipity" of an unexpected call with a new opportunity. I love traveling to new places. I'm really happy with all that I do.
I DO not like an unsteady paycheck, periods of time that I make little to no money and the insecurity of it all.

Point: We all choose our lifestyles. If we're lucky, it's great and we love it AND even with the best life possible, there are worries.

For me, I'd rather be doing what I'm doing, but sometimes I pine for security and vacation leave and sick leave and a 401K.

Perhaps it's unrealistic to think one can "have it all."

Let's hope that in the land of knowing ... that soon we'll have a new president and that soon the stock market will close really high and stay there, and that soon we'll see a positive upswing in the stock market.

For now, let's do our very best to cope with the uncertainty.
In fact... if you didn't already know ... I've made a couple of videos for YouTube. You can go to YouTube.com and search for: annfrynyc --- take a peek.

Happy serendipity.
Ann